…AND THE MISTAKES I MADE DURING THIS TIME
It’s been just over a month since we said goodbye to Reese, and yet, it seems like only a few days.
The boys (Henry, Jack, and Ricky) seem mostly content, again, and John (hubby) and I are becoming familiar with our new, two-dog routine. I no longer grab three treats at a time, and I don’t dream about Reese every night. Reading posts from other people about their losses, and recent news about puppy mills, and other pet-related tragedies, upsets me more than usual, and the floodgates open. Otherwise, teary outbursts are becoming less frequent.
I am INCREDIBLY grateful for a supportive network comprised of family, friends, and the pet-blogging community. Each of the cards and messages you sent were like hugs. Thank you.
I also received links to podcasts, articles, and books about grieving the loss of a pet.
Reese was almost twelve-years-old, with a grade four heart murmur. Although I knew she would not live forever, I was unprepared for the loss. We left the house one morning to go to the vet, for perhaps, some medication, and she did not come home with me. Animals are intuitive, and although the rest of my pack were aware of the loss, I didn’t give much thought to the consequences my subsequent actions would have on them.
I am an emotional cleaner. After barely sleeping the first night, I got out of bed and sprang into action. I cleaned all the bedding, ours and the dogs, caught up on the rest of the laundry, vacuumed, scrubbed, mopped, and polished the house, from top to bottom. I wasn’t trying to remove all traces of Reese; it is just how I deal with stress. I wish I had left her scent on the beds, for the boys to draw comfort from, a while longer.
My biggest mistake, however, was not taking time for myself. I could not catch my breath. National Cupcake Day, coined by the SPCA, is an event to raise money for rescues. This event had been on my calendar for months, and, I did not want to cancel it. I was determined to raise money for several different rescue organizations I support, in honour of Reese.
I arranged a day AND an evening event on the same day!
Although successful, raising just over $1500 and collecting a car full of much-needed supplies, I was physically, and emotionally exhausted by the end of it.
In addition to planning and organizing cupcake day: running errands to collect baked goods, prizes, supplies, donations, etc., I volunteered myself and a co-worker, to do a presentation on ‘Veganism’ for Diversity Week, at the beginning of that same week.
My distraction plan didn’t work. It merely added more stress, and, if I’m honest, it nearly broke me.
I need to be strong for my boys. To do so, I need to take care of myself
As much as we wish for it, we cannot bring back our beloved companions. In my opinion, those experiencing the loss of a pet need to take whatever time is required to grieve and heal the heart as much as possible. Detaching ourselves only delays the inevitable release of emotions.
If we do not allow ourselves to grieve, we will stunt our ability to attach. We will cheat ourselves of the joy of deeply connecting with another person (companion). We will have difficulty remembering the joy if we hold onto the pain. If we do not grieve effectively, we stunt our own growth and will find it difficult to attach again. And we may find it difficult to remember the joy thereby tarnishing the memory of our loved one.
Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus
The loss of a loved one is painful. They take with them a piece of our hearts.
Thank you,
If you enjoyed this post or found it useful; please PIN it.
Kelly says
I describe the loss of a pet as not only heartbreaking, but gut wrenching. That’s how I felt. I didn’t know how hard it would hit me, I didn’t know what to do with myself, my days were empty, my regular schedule turned upside down. I was lost. My dog would always be outside in the garden with me, afterwards, I felt I had no reason to go out there anymore – it was lonely. There were many nights the tears quietly flowed, and to be honest, it took some time before I could even say my dogs name or talk about her. I’ll never forget that dog, but as time passed, the heartache lessened. It takes time, and everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Most important – take care of yourself.
Ruth Epstein says
Losing a pet is the hardest thing I have had to go through, I admit it I cried more for Baby than I did for my father and am in some ways ashamed of it. However much support you have for me coming home to an empty house was the hardest. I also washed everything, spring cleaned the house after she passed and drove myself crazy in so many ways so that I understand you totally that we do not stop to look after ourselves.
I remember a month after she passed I went to look at a dog at one of the rescues, told the rescuer how I had washed everything so it would be ready for a new dog and she yelled at me saying I was stupid as I should have kept her smell. I just walked out of that organization crying like a baby, blocked her on email and have never spoken to her again.
Sending you lots of hugs and please please take time for yourself
Ruth Epstein recently posted…Spring is in the Air
Hindy Pearson says
I’m so sorry to read about the loss of Reese, I know how heartbreaking it is. I lost my heart dog Red a few months ago, and I didn’t have support from supposed friends. Having said that, I’m not one to show or talk about feelings so I did better solo anyway. It is important to take the time to grieve rather than trying to stuff down the heartache because it will always find us. I’ve said goodbye to many dogs and cats, but this loss was different and I reacted in ways I could never have imagined. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m sure it will help others.
Rebecca Sanchez says
Losing a pet is a major life event – and we really need to get better at recognizing this. With the loss of a beloved pet you lose your connection to love. Typically you have spent a year nurturing your pet through palliative conditions, and develop a different, additional connection – and this can lead to feeling guilty, on top of the loss itself. Pet grief counseling is so important, and really should be a sub-specialty. Learning how to redefine yourself post the loss of a pet is hard, and finding ways to continue to honor your lost pet is also painful at times as it reopens all the memories. Finally reaching the point where you can truly celebrate the lost pet is a blessing – a long journey for sure.
Rebecca Sanchez recently posted…Top 6 Dehydrated Foods for Cost Saving Dog Treats
Katie Sample says
I’ve only lost one pet as an adult. My 16 year old cat passed away when I was 19. He had been in my life as long as I could remember. Losing him was hard, and I definitely had to take time to grieve. Thank you for sharing this post ❤️
Michelle & The Paw Pack says
Loosing a pet is so, so hard. In a lot of ways I feel like it is sometimes harder than loosing people because we spend so much time with our pets, tending to their daily needs and spending time with them for, if we’re lucky, years and years. I’ve had a hard time grieving for pets in the past because a lot of people in my life aren’t really “pet people”, and don’t really understand how deeply a pet parent can feel the loose of a beloved pet. It can be hard to take the time you need to grieve especially if you have people in your life who don’t understand why you’re so upset over “just a pet”. I’m so sorry about Reese. I hope, in time, the happy memories of Reese overshadow the sadness you feel over her passing.
Beth says
I was so sorry to read about Reese. She was the dearest little dog, it was obvious in all of your photos and stories that you shared over the years. Losing a pet is so difficult, even if you have a family and other pets. It is a huge loss. I’m glad you recognized that you needed to slow down and take better care of yourself.
I’ve lost many loved ones over the years, and I’ve grieved differently for each loved one. Sometimes I will still be caught off guard by grief for a loved one that passed away more than 30 years ago.
I’m glad that you have so many beautiful photos of Reese to help you relive the happy life you had together. You changed her world, and she changed yours in so many wonderful ways.
Beth recently posted…Happy Tails: Finn & Whedon The Vizslas
Jana Rade says
Every loss comes with grief. I don’t know if anybody can follow instructions and do it right. For me, discovering that the heart-to-heart connection between me and Jasmine was not lost even though she was gone, is what helped me the most.
Jana Rade recently posted…Top Veterinary Articles of the Week: Proper Administration of Thyroid Medication, Coxal Luxation, and more …
Holly/Emilia says
Losing a pet isn’t a lot different than losing any other family member I don’t think. It is made harder because the “world” still doesn’t recognize that. I’m bad at grief, I know that about myself.
Holly/Emilia recently posted…How to Decode Cat Food Labels
Alex says
🙁 I am truly so so sorry for your loss. Losing a love one, whether a dog or human–it hurts! I hope to keep our Navy with us for a very long time. When her time comes to cross the rainbow bridge, it will be extremely hard for me.
Cathy Armato says
I’m so sorry for the loss of Reese, what a beautiful fur baby. It’s amazing how we often don’t realize that our remaining pets grieve the loss too. My dog Icy was so devastated over losing our cat, Maggie. She kept going from room to room sniffing around looking for her. It was heartbreaking to see. At least we could make sense of our loss where Icy could not understand. I was super busy when we had to say goodbye to Maggie, but it actually kept me sane. I was able to grieve her loss but not drown in it, which helped. You’re right though, it’s unhealthy not to grieve at all.
Love & Biscuits,
Dogs Luv Us and We Luv Them
Cathy Armato recently posted…Dog Friendly Fun in Waterville Valley, New Hampshire
Dorothy "FiveSibesMom" says
My heart just breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved Gibson a little over three years ago and while I had my four other Huskies to love and tend to, but I went through the day in a zombie state, missing him every where and all around. To this day, I miss that boy. I had lost my mother a month earlier, and was so full of grief and then shock when Gibson passed. So true that filling every moment only puts off the inevitable. I tried to keep busy, but even my other four missed him so, especially his “mate.” I commend you for continuing the cupcake evening and raising the monies for dogs in need, and it is a wonderful tribute to your Reese and your friend’s Roxie. I continue with my epilepsy awareness in Gib’s name, and somehow that not only keeps him close to me, but also it brings me comfort knowing in his name I am helping others. But man, do I miss my boy every day. Sending out warm hugs and lots of love your way.
Sadie says
Thank you, Dorothy. You do so much good, in Gibson’s name. A wonderful legacy for your wonderful companion xoxo
Sweet Purrfections says
Losing a pet is so hard! I think I stayed in my home for several days and did nothing buy cry and hibernate from people.
Lilly says
So sorry for your loss. I can honestly say that I cried as much when my dog died, as I did when my mother died. Losing a dog is heartbreaking.
Lilly recently posted…Best Flea Collar for Dogs